Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Shits 'n' Giggles

It seems that my posts often tend toward the serious, so I thought I'd liven things up a bit. I work at an Emergency Room, so a lot of weird stuff goes down. However, I can't really discuss most things that go on at work in a public forum, because of the HIPAA privacy laws. But this is a list of some of the more ridiculous things patients have said to me at work:

  • "Do you have a price list?"
  • "Will you come pick me up?"
  • "What number do I call for an ambulance?"
  • "Can I have a slice of your pizza?"
  • "No, no. My friend accidentally stabbed me."
  • "I am the Lesbian Jesus!"

Sometimes patients do some strange things too. Here is another sampling of bizarre patient behavior:

  • A patient pretends to pass out and have a seizure, then pees on himself to lend further credibility to his "fit."
  • A patient with kidney stones tears one of our phone books in half to emphasize the amount of pain he is feeling.
  • A patient cusses out the greeter because she got a prescription for Ultram, rather than Percoset, and demands to talk to the nursing supervisor. She takes down the greeter's name and vows to have her fired. The next week, the same patient reappears and tells the same greeter that she likes her because the greeter is the only person at our facility who is nice to her.
  • A patient calls 911 at 3:00 a.m. in the morning to request an ambulance ride to the emergency room because he has a painful urinary tract infection. Later, he tells one of our doctors that his penis hurts because he has been masturbating too often.

Finally, our patients are a colorful and lively bunch of folks. Some of them have very interesting personal lives. To illustrate, here is a short, and by no means exhaustive, list of things people have stuck up their bums:

  • Lotion Cap
  • Dildo
  • Two-liter Coke bottle
  • Table Leg
  • Drill bit

God, I love my job.


Dad said...

There is the perhaps apocryphal story of the person who appeared in the emergency room at some hospital, likely in California, with a live gerbil, in a condom, up his butt. It seems that the poor gerbil was stuck in a freezer to stiffen him (or her) up, then inserted in the orifice on the theory that pleasurable sensations would occur when the poor little critter thawed out.

I think it's an urban legend (ever notice how that euphymism for "lie" has gained popular acceptance?) but why let the truth stand in the way of a good story.

girlspit said...

Hehe. Wouldn't the Gerbil be dead after he was frozen, though?

Did you ever go into that shop in the Old City called Bottoms Up?

It's gone now, but they used to have plastic tubing running around the ceiling and real live gerbils scurrying throughout them.

They sold a wide variety of gay-centered gifts. Including that penis-shaped pasta and greeting cards w/ naked men.

DogMan said...

I had one guy come in to my ER once, a bullet hole completely through his abdomen... His girlfriend was with him, she was beaten black, blue and bloody. They were still fighting when they pulled up to the entrance... the tech comes in, hollars that he needs help outside so a few of us run out there... The guy is laying down in the back seat of the car, the girlfriend drove him there. Anyway... I get out there and they are in the middle of a yelling match about if he hit her again she'd shoot him twice the next time. We're getting him out of the car, the girlfriend wanted to help I guess, cause she pulled a gun out of waistband, handed it to me and asked me if I'd hold it for a few minutes. lol. I told her I'd be happy to "hold" it. I figured anyone but her was probably the best plan. When the cops got there, the story was a mix of them getting mugged to an armed home invasion.

DogMan said...

P.S. Could there be a cooler name than girlspit? I seriously doubt it. If I read nothing else on your blog, that would be enough to crack me up for a week.

Gloria Glo said...

Dontcha just hate HIPAA - I have this vast reservoir of hilarious stories that can never be shared or I will be "prosecuted to the full extent of the law." What is that anyway? $10 and a punchline? Or is there actual jail time involved? I mean, if it weren't too awful, then I have a story about a lady and a window that could win me Reader's Digest cash...

Gloria Glo said...

Forgot to bask in excitement about my blog link. Thank you, Girlspit!

girlspit said...

The full extent of the law is a $50,000 fine, but I don't know about jail time. At least that's how we play it down here in Tennessee.

Gloves Quinton said...

OMG, that's why I couldn’t work at a hospital. I would have to tell EVERY story to anyone who just asked what I did at my job.

Sounds like lots of fun! Oh the zany antics I would deploy if working in a hospital. =D

-Gloves Quinton.

Dad said...

Okay, there is an institutional fine for violation of HIPAA, but I am not aware of any penalty for individual violations.

Besides, so long as you don't reveal any information that would allow an individual to be identified, you can't run afoul of the law. Besides, you can always make up locations and names and all that other "confidential" stuff and tell the stories.

cackmandu said...

I hate HIPPA! It really does cut down on the stories that can be shared. The details are what make it so juicy.

Mad said...

Holy crap! A drill bit! Adds new meaning to the phrase "getting drilled."