Shits 'n' Giggles

It seems that my posts often tend toward the serious, so I thought I'd liven things up a bit. I work at an Emergency Room, so a lot of weird stuff goes down. However, I can't really discuss most things that go on at work in a public forum, because of the HIPAA privacy laws. But this is a list of some of the more ridiculous things patients have said to me at work:

• "Do you have a price list?"
• "Will you come pick me up?"
• "What number do I call for an ambulance?"
• "Can I have a slice of your pizza?"
• "No, no. My friend accidentally stabbed me."
• "I am the Lesbian Jesus!"

Sometimes patients do some strange things too. Here is another sampling of bizarre patient behavior:

• A patient pretends to pass out and have a seizure, then pees on himself to lend further credibility to his "fit."
  
• A patient with kidney stones tears one of our phone books in half to emphasize the amount of pain he is feeling.
  
• A patient cusses out the greeter because she got a prescription for Ultram, rather than Percoset, and demands to talk to the nursing supervisor. She takes down the greeter's name and vows to have her fired. The next week, the same patient reappears and tells the same greeter that she likes her because the greeter is the only person at our facility who is nice to her.
  
• A patient calls 911 at 3:00 a.m. in the morning to request an ambulance ride to the emergency room because he has a painful urinary tract infection. Later, he tells one of our doctors that his penis hurts because he has been masturbating too often.
  

Finally, our patients are a colorful and lively bunch of folks. Some of them have very interesting personal lives. To illustrate, here is a short, and by no means exhaustive, list of things people have stuck up their bums:

• Lotion Cap
• Dildo
• Two-liter Coke bottle
• Table Leg
• Drill bit

God, I love my job.